Chocobo Hysteria
by GabrielleduVent
Summary: Since Redhead Hysteria was a hit, I decided to another one. How would Cloud Strife react when he sees all the mushy yaoi fictions about him? Rated T for contents. Please RR!


Right... so since _Redhead Hysteria_ was really popular, I decided (after doing cellular biology for five hours straight) that I'll do another one: Chocobo Hysteria". Dunno if it's as funny as the previous one, because you gotta admit, Reno is the funniest guy out of FFVII hands down (I love you Reno). College life isn't treating me too well... so hope you enjoy.

Oh, btw, I don't own FFVII - here's the proof. If I did, I'd chain Reno up in my room and neither of us would come out of my room again. Since you do see him up and about, he's not mine. Neither's anyone else.

**Chocobo Hysteria**

Cloud's face showed extreme signs of distress and grief, so much that Tifa was worried again. _I mean,_ she thought wearily, _he's always emo and worrying and stuff, but can't he give it a break?_ He had already established to Aeris, who probably didn't care what Cloud was doing since she was dead and was probably Cloud's imagination induced by chuffing an unnatural amount of Hyper Potion during his depressive moments, that he wasn't alone. There wasn't another Sephiroth on a mad rampage to master/destroy the world, nor were his larvae around to make a revenge to the planet or anything. So what was his problem?

"Cloud?"

He turned, his face full of grief. Oh gawd, was he missing Aeris/Zack/Sephiroth/Lost Humanity again? Because it was getting annoying.

Then she peeked at the computer screen, and confusion slowly creeped up to her face.

The web browser was open to the page "Fanfiction dot net – Release Your Imagination!". The category was set to "Romance" – ugh – and the character selection said "Cloud S."

So what was causing him grief?

"Do I look like I was in love with Sephiroth, Tifa?"

The question was so out of nowhere, so bizarre, that she lost response for a moment. Then she slowly shook her head. "No…?"

"Reno?"

"What?"

"Do I look like I'm in love with Reno?"

The redhead, who was always on some mad mission to do something insane in everyone's views but his?

"No."

"Vincent?"

"Cloud, no."

"Zack?"

To this, Tifa was tempted to say yes. I mean, it didn't happen everyday that because of guilt/suffering/some other unknown emotion, you just took over your best friend's identity and memories, and his girlfriend. But for Cloud's sake Tifa shook her head vigorously.

"Rufus?"

No one loved the President of the Shinra Company Inc, period. Except maybe the Turks, but they weren't exactly sane in the first place, so their judgment was seriously askew. "No." Then she dared: "Uh, why."

"Because I'm apparently a homosexual with masochistic tendencies who like to sleep with all of the mentioned." Cloud sighed.

"Um…"

"For example," he said, clicking on a link, "in this one, Sephiroth raped me during my training years, and since then I've developed a victimized attachment to him."

"Uh…"

"In this one, Reno electrocuted me with his EMR during a wild sexual session in a public bathroom."

"Uh… Cloud? I don't need to know…"

Click. "Rufus watched Reno torture me while I was naked in this one. He seemed t enjoy it immensely."

Tifa was getting mental images of very nasty things with Cloud naked that didn't involve her naked as well. This wasn't very nice for her.

"Vincent came into my room in the moonlight, and then bit me." Cloud made a pained face. "Here, listen."

"Cloud, it's really okay… I don't need…"

Did Cloud listen to her protests? Of course not. It seemed that he thought he shouldn't be the only ones to be subjugated to such humiliation and torture.

"Vincent silently slipped into the room, his feet silent despite their metallic make on the wooden floor," Cloud read out loud. He seemed to be enjoying Tifa's discomfort – maybe he was a sadist, contrary to popular beliefs. "His red eyes saw the pale form, comatose between the sheets, blond hair awash into platinum in the silvery moonlight. His breathings were soft, peaceful. The vampire carefully slid down the cover and the blanket down, to reveal a very defined pectoral, beautiful collarbones, smooth neck. He lowered his head, his pointy teeth a flash of silver in the darkness, then sank the teeth into his neckline.

His blood was sweet, just as he had imagined, with a tang of bitterness, as if Cloud's sorrow, grief coursed through his veins. Vincent felt his lips stain crimson with the blood; he raised his head, then placed his lips on the innocent mouth, slightly opened…"

"Cloud?" Tifa's voice was getting louder. "I don't want to hear it?"

"Cloud opened his eyes… the beautiful blue orbs stared into the red, and Cloud stared into Vincent's crimson eyes for a few moments, before, to the vampire's surprise, he reciprocated the kiss…"

"CLOUD."

Did Cloud stop? Oh no. He was on a roll now, no way was he going to stop. Or was he?

"What?" Cloud asked. "And people wonder why I'm always so unsure of myself. How can anyone be sure of himself if his manhood is so insulted, degraded like this?"

"Cloud, darling…"

"I am not gay."

"Yes, I know."

"I do not sleep with men."

"Cloud, I know, I know."

Cloud did not respond to that one. Instead, he began to read out of another disgusting fiction depicting another rendition of hideous sodomy that seemed to be rampant in fangirls' minds. "'Come on, Cloudy boy,' said Reno, a malicious grin on his face, 'I hear you cross-dressed as a girl. Can you scream like one? I bet ya could. I bet I could make you scream.'"

"Cloud…"

He was twitching. He was twitching violently. Tifa took a step back. When Cloud twitched, that wasn't a good sign. Nor was his distressed look on his face.

Without warning, in a fluid motion of a trained warrior, he pulled out his six-pack sword, and brought it down on the computer.

The computer casing crunched under the impact, then glass shards from the LCD exploded and propelled in all directions. Tifa shielded herself under the table, while Cloud looked immensely satisfied with his recent piece of work – a destroyed computer.

Tifa crawled out from under the table, and looked at the sizzling carcass of what used to be a functional computer few minutes before. Just then a pat-pat was heard, and Marlene came down the stairs, humming a happy tune. Her face crumpled as soon as she saw Cloud's most recent accomplishment.

"That's the fourth computer you broke, Cloud!" Marlene wailed. "I wanted to go on AIM to talk with Zippy!"

"Zippy lives next door," Cloud pointed out.

"That's not the point!" Tears in her eyes, Marlene disappeared upstairs. Tifa sighed. Fangirls had unexpected methods of destruction; annoy and scare the heck out of their love-objects to the extent that they went on a destructive rampage.


End file.
